Unless you want to be a lonely old man or woman, conversing only with yourself and there is no one who wants to listen to you, find a way to become a better conversationalist. Be interested in people and what they do and how they live. Learn to communicate no matter where you are and with whom you are spending time. But please, if you are sitting in an airplane, this is not the time to start a conversation with someone sitting next to you, so please keep it quiet. According to me, there is no need to have a detailed conversation with anyone that you do not know unless it is about the business you are conducting or you are invited to sit with them and communicate with them. And, even then, make sure they really want to know about what you have to say.

So assuming you have been invited to spend time with others, it is good to brush up on effective communication skills. What then is effective communication? It is an exchange of ideas, thoughts, events, that everyone finds interesting and everyone is engaged. There is give AND take; that is the key.

Whether you are conversing with your loved ones, your co-workers, your children, chit chat with a friend over lunch, or professional communications of all sorts, the key is to remember the concept of dialog. If we remember that we are speaking with someone, and not to an empty space or simply trees and birds (although they listen too), we will remind ourselves that the other person we are speaking to has to listen to us, or at least look like he is listening to us, and we need to know if we are really engaged with that person or we lost him? We need to check in continuously by looking at the person and seeing if they are just being polite, or are they really interested in what we are saying.

Learning effective communication skills that are genuine and heartfelt are really good ways to learn the esoteric meaning and process of contact.

So, in communication, there are a few rules that I have learned. And, as you get older, you may forget these rules, so write them down. I have started a “what to remember when I am old” list on my computer and it is getting really long. One of the most frequent problems of aging is the inability to listen and the overarching obsession with talking endlessly. So, I better not do that and so here are some of my choices on effective communication:

• Listen, listen carefully to the question or comment and answer briefly. Observe the person keenly as you speak for any signals and respond to the signals; respond to what is being said and what is really needed. People communicate 80% or more by non-verbal communication. So, be careful to watch for the signals and also what signals you are giving by your body, tone of voice, and such.
• Don't assume your listener wants the whole story; ask if he or she wants to know all the details or just the bottom line. Don't just fill up space with your own noise.
• In business settings, sometimes it may be a cultural trait to begin with pleasantries about how you are and such, but this is NOT a free ticket to "share" your life issues or to pull out the photos of the family. Keep it brief and get to the business at hand.
• Don't set up your own agenda or your own list of things you must talk about unless it is a business meeting and everyone has agreed to the agenda. Watch the signals. People signal to us all the time with their whole body and breathing and tell us to go on, or stop for God's sake, or go away! So, observe and please don't be a bore. Every answer does not have to stand the test of time; every comment you make does not have to be scientifically provable, verifiable, historically accurate. Every comment in a conversation does not have to show your expertise and your clever and insightful ways. Every comment you make does not have to be footnoted, referenced with library resources and data. Conversation, communication, dialog is not about you and it is not about the content; it is about the collective persons involved and their energetic exchanges. It is an exchange of love, thoughtfulness, companionship, and not a lecture and certainly not a place where you can dump information. So, listen more and speak less.
• Remember that others need to speak too; so give everyone an opportunity to speak.
• If there are shy people in the group, don't assume you are the designated speaker and continue to give one lecture after another. This is a conversation and not a seminar where you are the main speaker.
• In group settings or conversations between two persons, remember that everyone feels good when they have the chance to express themselves. So, instead of giving a dissertation about your life, your mother's life, your father, your children, your pets, the last time it rained and the latest medical problem that you have had to deal with and so on....ask questions about the other person to draw then out. How many medical emergencies can we sit through? 

Coming up Next: The Art of Communication: Part 4: More Rules According to Gita

Gita